Growing and Moving with Intensity

I REALLY would have thought I'd be writing up a storm these days - after all, I'm going through the most intense 'phase' that I can ever remember. It's an emotional merry-go-round with ups and downs, and I'm feeling it ALL, I think. And while lots of it actually doesn't feel good, it feels good to be feeling it. I haven't been writing - partly because I don't think I have the words, or clarity of thought, and partly because of the speed of what's happening - the speed of changing conditions on the ground, the speed of changing thoughts and perceptions. I feel in the midst of something that's moving and I can't really see it long enough to describe it.

I'm aware that "separating' from someone isn't possible at the 'level' of energy vibrations and godforces - we're all connected all the time, everything is connected the universe, we are all consciousness.
But at the physical level in space/time where I live my day-to-day story, it's hard sometimes to remember this 'higher level' connection, and so here, for me, 'separation' feels like a tearing apart, a letting go of all that joined my husband and me, all that gave me the illusion 'together-ness' in a long marriage. For better for worse, as we'd promised each other, we were together and I had fully incorporated that state into my picture of myself. While I often felt alone, I nonetheless 'knew' I was together. So at this physical/material level, the 'separating' process after 40 years is a big one. What I am experiencing feels really new; extremely unsettling; and very confusing. My body is working hard, shifting and moving information at break-neck speeds, recreating neural pathways to allow for a changed perception of who I am, and to allow myself to gradually move towards who I am capable of becoming as I sever myself from whom I perceived myself to be within the relationship.
The aching sensation of saying goodbye to what was 'my life' (and lots of it was wonderful - but that's not the point), and the regret I feel as I let go of what might have been are my own creations. And so is the idea that 'separate', I will be able to live more fully and experience more deeply. Not because my husband held me back but because of the way I/we had created my/our form of 'living together'; I have held myself back in order to 'be together'.

My point, as I write? Maybe it's just my wish right now to express what's really a feeling that is hard to get my head around. I'm calling it a feeling and it's really a million feelings that change fast and often, and that words don't do justice to. I know that zillions of men and women have 'separated' and it's nothing 'special'. What's special for me is that it's ME that's 'separating', ME that's feeling these intense and important, sometimes gut-wrenching sensations, and ME that's going to create whatever I create as I move through and take this experience with me.
And while the 'knowledge' that we're all connected and that this story of (painful) separation is my perception of a reality that I am in fact creating is very real and useful and helpful and I BELIEVE it, I still seem to be LIVING the 'other version' - that of me, a physically separate and, up until now, a joined entity, pulling myself out of this union, knowing that not-together is what I want now for me at this stage of my life, yet still finding the process of separation pain-full.
It's tempting to end now with some flippant allusion to 'aaaah, the paradoxes of life . . ."
Yet I think I prefer to close with a promise to myself to remember to remember that in fact, it's my connectedness to everything and everyone, that it's that fact that I have all that there is IN ME, that gives me the power to create whatever I choose, and that i don't have to choose to make 'separation' a painful severance story and could, in fact, turn that page and start a story of growth and full expression. Because what I've seen over the last few weeks is - but I'm only now SEEing it this very minute, and so maybe THIS is my point: that staying in my painful and aching state is keeping me small - it's as confining and self-limiting as I was finding 'togetherness'' just in a different way. And I can choose differently. I guess that's what I wanted to say to myself tonight!